The past few days have been hard. There’s no other way to put it. Lots of feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, and the list just goes on and on. And yesterday, I snapped. I broke down into a pile of emotions and tears on the floor of our bathroom just feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Exhausted of trying to suppress these feelings and exhausted of trying to avoid thinking about any of the reasons behind them.
Friday, March 26 was what would’ve have been our due date for the last baby we lost. In the days at the beginning of the week, I was feeling good. I knew what the week could’ve and should’ve been, but I kept trying to steer my mind away from those feeling and focus on being grateful for my current pregnancy and spending time with the kids. As the week progressed, I started to find myself going down more and more of these “what if” trains of thought and thinking about all these different scenarios. But it wasn’t these thoughts that were getting to me. It was the pure confusion for how I was “supposed” to be feeling. I mean does anyone really know how they’re supposed to feel when their would-be due date comes and they happen to be pregnant with another baby?
To be honest, I felt guilty above anything else. Yes I lost a baby and I am still grieving that loss, but I’m also so blessed to be able to say I am pregnant again and we’ve already made it to the half way point. Why am I still confused and upset when I have this new life coming in the next few months? I have two amazing kids who are here and one miracle on the way. Why can’t I just focus on that?
I needed to figure out how to sort through these mixed emotions and really allow myself to feel all the things I was feeling in order to be ok. But all week I just kept pushing away these thoughts and feelings. It was definitely affecting me. I was angry and bitter all week. My patience was nonexistent. I was snapping at the kids for acting like kids and getting frustrated at AJ over nothing at all. I was honestly in a bad mood and I couldn’t shake it. I was frustrated at the world and frustrated at myself for getting so frustrated at everything around me. Finally last night right before dinner, I snapped. And snapped hard.
Over the simplest of things (hanging a towel up in the bathroom), I just broke down. With tears streaming down my face I locked myself in the bathroom and allowed myself to feel all the feelings I had been avoiding. I cried for what felt like hours (but was honestly probably 15 minutes) and mentally when through each and everything I was feeling.
Now. I need to stress the fact that I hate acknowledging and expressing feelings like this. It makes me so uncomfortable. But I knew that these feelings needed to be let go. So after a good cry I was able to take a few deep breaths and figure out how to move forward.
I can’t say that I figured all this out. I definitely didn’t! But I did figure out that it’s ok to feel all these things. It’s ok to feel sad and grieve the baby we lost, but also be grateful and appreciative of everything we have going on. After letting it all out and actually acknowledging these feelings, I was ok. Sounds simple enough, right? Maybe I should’ve done that at the beginning and not after being such a grump all week!
But this week was hard. And I had a really hard time fully understanding and working through all of these emotions. I don’t share this for pity or sympathy, but to let anyone else who feels lost and alone after miscarriage that it’s ok. Even months afterwards, it’s ok to still not be ok. It’s ok to be lost and to be confused by all of the different emotions you’re working through. And give yourself some grace as you figure it out. Give yourself the space and time to heal from that hurt and to acknowledge what you’re feeling as ok.
I’ve learned this past year that moving through grief is a marathon. It doesn’t just disappear overnight. It may fade at times, but it takes time to work through. It’s hard! But acknowledging it and allowing yourself to feel it makes all the difference. A few weeks ago someone mentioned how blessed we are to be welcoming a rainbow baby into our family in a few months. While I’ve heard that reference before, I never really gave it much thought in regards to our situation. But after the storm of this past week (and this past year) I couldn’t think of a more appropriate scenario. I couldn’t be more excited to welcome our little rainbow this summer.